To begin a discussion on feelings I want to begin with our earliest days on this planet.
Just like the rose, in the beginning we were a tiny seed that was fertilized and began to grow.
We came into this world, a miracle.
The majority of us had no addictions, no defenses, no core issues.
What we brought into our world was a miracle of purity, essence, love. For the first six or seven years of our lives we experienced in our world through our feelings for we had not yet reached the age of reason. We processed events through our emotions and feelings. Even in the very best of families these emotions and feelings were hurt.
Core issues took form. We were often shamed and humiliated for feeling and expressing the feelings we felt.
To hide from this shame and to protect ourselves from feeling hurt, angry, fearful, we learned to develop defenses. When these defenses couldn't keep us from feeling these feelings we developed addictions.
Thus begins what is called the Shame Cycle.
Once we have developed addictions we further strengthen our defenses, more deeply bury our feelings or lash out with our feelings, not really understanding why we are out of control.
Have you ever said, "I don't feel like myself today?" We all have days when we don't feel like our "self" because our true self is burdened with baggage and we often lose ourselves in the everyday process of living our lives day in and day out. We often lose our "self" in the lives of others and become what is popularly termed "co-dependent".
What is co-dependency?
From the book, Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby gave this definition.
"Codependency is an emotional, psychological and behavioural condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules - rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and inter-personal problems."
Ernie Larson, another codependency specialist and pioneer in the field defines codependency as "Those self-defeating learned behaviours or negative character traits that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships."
Some Less Professional Definitions are as follows:
"Codependency means," said one woman, "that I forget who I am while taking care of others."
It means that I am always "looking for someone to glob onto."
It means I know any man I'm attracted to, fall in love with or marry will either go on and on the same way (painfully) or end the same way (disastrously). Or both."
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour.
If you feel you may be codependent, in addition to possibly seeking one-on-one personal counselling, please be aware of "Co-dependents Anonymous".
Codependency finds its roots in SHAME:
Here are some symptoms of Shame:
I don't count.
I'm not good enough.
I don't belong.
I feel like a fake.
There is something wrong with me.
I don't deserve to be loved.
If people really knew me they wouldn't like me.
God must be disgusted with me.
I have no right to exist.
We have all been shamed.
But here is the good news!
Underneath all the shame; behind the defenses; beneath the addictions that beautiful, pure child is still living within us. He/she is wounded and often acts out when he feels unsafe even as we conduct our lives as so-called adults.
On the next page of this series we will meet that inner child; renew our acquaintance with him and give him the assurance he needs to blossom like the rose he truly is.
Please Read the following
"Guidelines for Healing Shame"
Shame heals slowly and requires patience and courage. Ask for help from your Higher Power.
Become aware of how you feel shame in your body and the circumstances in which you feel shame.
Bring your secrets out of the closet with safe people.
Identify your shaming messages. Take time to grieve the losses and pain from your shaming messages.
Symbolically give back the shame to the person who shamed you. Express your feelings to them.
Replace the shaming messages with positive ones and implement healthy behaviour to match the positive message.
Determine how you will deal with people in current life who shame you. Confront and set boundaries. Don't tolerate abusive behaviours. Consider leaving relationships that continue to be shaming.
Become aware of how you shame others in relationships. What's the pay-off for you? What's the setback? Make an agreement with yourself not to shame others.
Don't isolate when you feel shame. Reach out.
If you have a shame attack, you need to do a shame intervention. Get the "adult within you", "the parent within you" to check back in and reassure your inner child that you are lovable. Reach out to others to support you.
It's highly unlikely that you will heal all your shame. It's part of the human condition. It's how you process shame that counts.
REACH OUT! REACH OUT! REACH OUT!
DON'T GO INTO ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOURS.
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF :-)
make reference to the "Daily Feelings Log"
Get in touch with your feelings
and
Allow them safe and free expression.
AFFIRMATION
"All is well in my world." I think of the rose and I give myself permission to love myself for who I am.
I give myself permission to identify my feelings and feel my feelings. I honour the shame that may bind me knowing it is not of my making and it is not who I truly am. When I feel ready I will blossom like the rose and be who I really am. "All is well in my world."
